Let's talk Intimacy

     Last week we talked about marital (physical) intimacy. Now as much as this sounds like it would be awkward to talk about in a college classroom, our teacher did a great job of explaining it. One of the phrases he used that I really liked was "One flesh, One heart". This has in flesh meaning physical closeness, and heart meaning emotional closeness. The other really interesting that we talked about was Gottman's "Magic 5 hours". Basically in a weeks time to show you spouse at least 5 hrs of some form of love. He breaks it down into 5 categories. The first is Parting thoughtfully, spend 2 minutes five days a week of having a meaningful goodbye when your spouse is off to work or leaving the house. Then there is Reunions, spending 20 minutes five days a week to just chat and listen when your spouse returns from work or being out all day. Next is Admiration and Appreciation, spending 5 minutes a day seven days a week commenting of appreciation or praise toward spouse. Then there's Affection, spending 5 minutes a day seven days a week kidding. Lastly is Weekly date, spending 2 hours out of the week to go on a date with your spouse. These 5 hrs not only bring you closer emotionally but also physically.
     Then there's talking to your kids about physical intimacy or commonly known as sex. Most parents these days don't know how to approach their kids on this topic so instead of trying they just don't. Or in the religious cases they teach that sex is bad ending in a result of when they get married their scared because they were taught  that is bad and not that it was okay within the right covenants or marriage. How we can help is by preparing ourselves and by talking with your spouse of how you want to approach it, But the key thing is Not talking about it is Not the answer. A few ways parents can be prepare is practice with each other so that its not as strange to talk about, answer their questions so that you know their getting the right information you want them to get, and invite them to share their thoughts and understandings. This building of communication not only strengthens your relationship with them but also gives them a better understanding on certain subjects that you know their not getting from somewhere else.  

where to start?

       Sorry Its been awhile. So in the past few weeks we've been talking about marriage. Not just surface stuff but the process and such of it. Such as factors of a good marriage, what attracts us to the opposite sex, and how planning the wedding can ultimately affect a couple's relationship. All these were covered really well in class but the point I want to go into depth on is depending on how you plan your wedding how it affects the marriage. There's a lot of planning and and decision making going into planning a wedding. Those decisions and opportunities to work together help strengthen the couples relationship and help them work out a method of problem solving for the future. Now if the bride and her mother plan the wedding a barrier starts to form between the couple. As the husband starts pulling away from the wife because he is feeling rejected, she starts leaning more on her mother. This in time puts a hug stress on the family and is higher to end in divorce. Then there's those who cohabit before marriage. When a couple cohabits, when and if they get married its more of a change that nothing in their relationship will change. But if they start at square one with dating, courtship, and engagement; Marriage will be more together because of those challenges you faced when preparing for the wedding together. Planning for such a big thing will draw them closer together because they are trying to work towards the same goal.
         Then there's the why. Why do we making the decision to get married? A few things that were thrown out there were things like religious belief, wanting a family, want to be happier, etc. Then after you are married what are some of the early marital struggles? I mean now that your sharing your life with someone, your life is gonna change. You now have to coordinate with your spouse, accommodate living space, and make a few sacrifices. Last important key point about marriage is that its important that you go to bed at the same time. By not going to bed at the same time, saying your prayers together at night and even in the morning could be lost, this could also cause tension, the physical connection that you have with your spouse is lost, and lastly it opens the door for secrecy.
       Then when you start having kids, everything changes. One of the biggest worries about having kids is the change in focus. It kinda goes back to when I was talking about planning a wedding, if the couple doesn't do it together then there causes stress and tension in the relationship. If the wife's support system is her mother through this process, again the marriage is more likely to fail. If the couple goes through this process of sharing experiences, like when the baby kicks in the wife's stomach. Going through the informational process together, such as Dr. appointments and birthing classes. The couple will develop a support system towards each other and kind of a form of a protection towards each other and the baby. Then after the baby is born there's all the stress of the sudden changes. The lack of sleep, silence, and quality time with spouse. Again like the wedding, she gets preoccupied with the baby so the husband backs off and while he's off feeling unwanted, she's with the baby feeling like he doesn't care. Because this could lead to decrease of marital satisfaction, it's best to plan early and anticipate the additional workload. Discuss the specific changes is will make for each of you in terms of time, energy, privacy, etc. Plan specific means of helping one another through it. Also a key thing is being attentive and aware of your spouses challenges.